I was asked to speak at a Promise Keepers men's Bible study breakfast this week on the topic of discipleship and doing life with other men. The leader of the group is a former pastor with a passion for missional living in community with other believers. He asked me to speak on this topic because more than one time he has heard my heart about the subject of discipleship in the church. Over the course of the last few weeks preparing for this talk, I have been working to triangulate exactly why this topic moves me the way it does. I
think there are three things at the heart of it.
A Father Wound
My dad’s father was an abusive alcoholic. Recently, when I asked my uncle about my grandfather he said, “He was mean. Your dad had a tough life.” Mean was the legacy my grandfather took to his grave with him. My dad wasn’t mean. He was hardened by the military and often stoic, but I think it’s because my father had a father wound too. It was tucked away deep inside of him early on then his military career and training just drove it deeper.
Never having been
shown love, affection, or direction, my dad didn’t give much of it either. This started
to make me angry as I moved into my pre-teen and teen years. I was a young man
trying to find my way in the world and had zero guidance along the way. What I
learned about consistency and work ethic was caught not taught. By the time I
was twenty-one, I had been gone from home for three years, dropped out of
college because I lacked direction, got married, and moved 600 miles away from my parents to North
Carolina. And I was still hungry for guidance and direction of any type from anyone. It was at this point God started placing people in my life who would
change the trajectory of my life both spiritually and professionally.
Tim J hired me as a service writer for a Kenworth truck dealership a little less than a year after moving to North Carolina in 1996. I would work with him for the next ten years or so. I never saw a truck Tim could not fix and he was an incredible Service Manager who taught me how to run and manage a profitable shop. He was also a believer, and he showed me what it looked like to be a good steward of the company’s resources and how to use them wisely.
We found a church shortly after moving to North Carolina and Tommy and Kaye W latched on to my wife and I. Tommy is 8 or 10 years older than I am and has three girls. He is one of those guys who just has a lot of practical knowledge and wisdom. Most of it was gained through the school of hard knocks. His dad was a drug addict and extremely tough on him and his brother and sister growing up when he was around. But the thing about Tommy is he shared openly about his life and the mistakes he’d made. He was a great businessman. Still is. He would share life wisdom with me, and I would share Bible knowledge with him. He taught me everything I know about hunting. He taught me what it means to have a quiet time with Jesus every day. He taught me what it looked like to be a man of prayer. And he taught me what it looked like to love your kids no matter what. While I had three boys, he had three girls of which one was very rebellious for quite a while. He loved her regardless.
A few years after I lost my parents. Sam S and his wife Gail became sort of like parents to me. Sam was the author of several books and knew more about theology and the Bible than anyone I have ever met. He took time intentionally on Sunday nights to teach several of us guys systematic theology. He also encouraged me to write, teach, and preach. He walked with me through our changing of churches and gave me godly counsel as I was trying to figure out where the Lord was leading us next.
The list could go on with the things I have learned from so many other men over the last 25 years or so. I would not be who I am today without other men taking the time to pour into my life. Not even close. Sometimes it has happened with Bibles open and with pen and paper in hand. Sitting in circles or sitting in rows. Sometimes sitting at a table, on a back porch, or in a cabin. It has happened over a cup of coffee or a meal. It has happened in the woods, in deer stands, hunkered over a truck bed, and sitting on a tailgate. Discipleship doesn’t need a specific place just a specific person. A person who can teach you what they know about following Jesus and a person you can teach what you know about following Jesus. By God's grace, I have been surrounded by people who just poured into me and showed me how to live like Jesus “as they were going” which is exactly what Jesus told us to do.
Frustration with Discipleship in the Church
My passion for discipleship is also born out of a frustration with discipleship in the church. I was at a church conference two years ago and all the main stage speakers said you can’t program discipleship. Just follow the model of Jesus. Then when I went to the breakouts sessions multiple people tried to sell me a book or a program on their process on how to make disciples. Jesus didn’t sell books and create programs. He said follow me and I’ll teach you "as we are going." When he left this earth, he told us to make disciples "as we are going." Life on life. The church makes it much harder than it needs to be many times. And I think the enemy just loves it.
So many people are concerned about what discipleship is and how to do it. I have just taken the approach over the years of I’m going to do something. At our last church, I started a Bible study for about eight other men and we studied the Bible together every week for about five years. I saw the Lord do incredible things in these men’s lives. I saw marriages changed and marriages saved.
Along the way, I started serving with Ironman Outdoors. We are a ministry with the mission of connecting men to Christ through the Outdoors. One of the things I love about the ministry is it allows for life-on-life discipleship moments throughout our retreat times. We get to go encourage and teach guys what it means to be godly fathers and godly husbands. I knew when I joined that ministry that I was going to have intentional times during the year when I get to disciple other men.
Most recently, I started a discipleship group with my three sons and five other young men their age. We started with Biblical convictions and worldview, walked through the biblical characteristics of godly men and fathers, and are talking now about how you live out your faith through your vocation and calling. Why am I doing it? Again, some of it is a passion born out of my own father wound. I don’t want to see other young men struggle and make the same mistakes I made. This world is hard enough. It’s harder if you go it alone. As mentioned, I also don’t think discipleship needs to be that hard. Just do something. Grab your Bible and go talk to another guy about what you are learning in it or ask him what he has learned from it.
The Breakdown of the Family Unit
The last reason for my passion for discipleship is that we continue to see the breakdown of the family unit in America. There are a ton of young men and women growing up without fathers today which means we need father figures and mentors now more than ever. I had my heart broken a few weeks ago when my discipleship group got to the lesson on living out your calling. I asked a few discussion questions to start:
- What do you enjoy doing that makes you feel
alive, like you were made for it?
- Have you ever sensed God leading you toward a
specific purpose or role? What did that look like?
- What are some unique skills, passions, or experiences
God has given you?
- What needs in the world (or your community) break your heart or stir you to action?
These young men always have something to say, and we have some really good discussions each week before we dig into the Scripture but this week, they just sat there with blank looks on their faces. Crickets. I was nearly in tears. These are kids with fathers and most of them were raised in the church! Then it dawned on me. Our culture is such that we push young men through 12 years of schooling, we expect them to attend four years of college, find a career, and get married. Several of the young men in the group have completed most if not all of those phases. And once those phases are complete, there are no further expectations placed on these young men by our culture. Now, just keep working until you die. Good luck. That’s what society expects.
So, the next time we met,
everyone did a spiritual gifts assessment. I had a chance to go over the assessment
with each one individually in front of all their peers. It was like a built-in
“I See in You” moment. A chance to speak purpose and calling over their lives
and show them how God wired them and what he might be preparing them for in the
future. Then I asked them those same four questions again. They all had
beautiful answers this time. My heart was about to explode. They just needed
someone to help unlock the gift that the Holy Spirit placed inside them and help
guide them to what their purpose in life is! There are young guys and girls around us every day who are looking for the same thing.
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